How can I help children who struggle to trust me and do not open up? This was a question I asked myself over 30 years ago during my teacher training.
I recognized something in the eyes and behavior of some children: they were present but didn’t truly show themselves, they participated but remained on guard, they observed me, seemed to assess their opportunities, and didn’t trust me enough to open up.
I saw myself in them, saw the child I once was— a child with early trauma. A child who had learned early on that adults don’t always do what they say, that they can hurt you under the guise of ‘doing what’s best,’ and that they don’t always protect you when you need it. I learned early that adults are not to be trusted unconditionally, and one of my survival strategies was to act like a chameleon—observing, probing, and adapting.
Anyone who has experienced trauma knows how persistent survival strategies can be. They help protect you but often hinder you from fully embracing life when you’re an adult and able to care for yourself.
My traumatic childhood was the reason I wanted to become a teacher. I wanted to give young children a way to express themselves, but I noticed during my studies that the children I wanted to reach did not trust me enough. How could I better connect with these children?
Would a puppet make a difference?
Would a puppet make a difference? I wondered. A few months earlier, I had made a puppet named Doki. Could he break the ice?
I decided to give it a try and soon realized that Doki had something I didn’t. Children told Doki stories they wouldn’t share with me, came to tell me during breaks what Doki had said to them (even though I had been right there), drew pictures for Doki, and brought hats and scarves for him when it got colder outside. “Of course, we don’t want Doki to get sick, miss Helen.”
Even the children who kept me at a distance engaged with Doki and were much more open with him than with me.
Around the same time, I discovered the books of Alice Miller, the psychoanalyst who wrote extensively about the impact of early childhood experiences on a child’s development.
I recognized myself in her books, as well as my grandmother, who played the role of the so-called empathetic witness in my life. My grandmother saw me and supported me where she could. She was there for me and always told me that when I grew up, I could be anything I wanted to be. My grandmother was one of the few people I truly trusted; she let me be myself, gave me hope, and a reason to persevere—things would change when I grew up.
Could a puppet play the role of a empathetic witness, I wondered? Could a puppet make a difference?
Now, 30 years later, having developed a unique approach with a puppet as my main tool, I know the answer to that question is yes. A puppet is an ideal empathetic witness and a very useful tool for all children, but especially for children with trauma. One reason children talk to a puppet so easily is that a puppet does not come across as threatening. They see the puppet as an equal, as a friend, and if you can maintain the puppet as an equal, it remains a safe outlet for the child.
A puppet only becomes threatening if it reacts in a way the child doesn’t expect—when it takes on a disciplinary role, shows disinterest, mirrors the child’s behavior, talks about topics the child is not interested in or wants to discuss.
Once a puppet is deemed safe by a child, it can still do something to cause the child to withdraw their trust. This is especially true if the puppet is not controlled by the child itself. And this situation occurs when you are operating the puppet.
One crucial aspect is that the puppet must feel like a real friend to the child. The puppet should attune to the child, take time to build a relationship, show interest, be non-judgmental, stand on the child’s side, want to play, and have a good time together.
That’s what friends do. That’s what the child expects from the puppet. That’s what makes the puppet safe for the child.
The hand puppet is a fantastic tool for treating children with trauma. A puppet can help a child take steps, be there for the child, encourage them, empathize, cry along, be vicariously angry, provide examples, literally take the child by the hand, and practice together. A puppet has everything it needs to make the process more bearable and to be the child’s confidant.
But this only works if the puppet is used from the role of a friend.
What I’ve discovered in 30 years of working with hand puppets is that the puppet’s effectiveness significantly diminishes when it starts to discipline, correct, and dictate. This is the biggest challenge for any adult who decides to work with a puppet. The puppet works best when you view it through the eyes of a child and consider what the child needs from the puppet.
It’s all about relationships and building trust first
Realize that a puppet is not a magical solution, but a tool to lower the barrier for a child. Whether a child will speak to a puppet depends on the friendship and familiarity they feel with it, which in turn depends on how the puppet responds to the child, the questions it asks, the openings it chooses, and how enjoyable it is to be together.
The key lies in the relationship between the child and the puppet.
Compare it to a new neighbor who immediately asks a lot of personal questions at the first meeting. It doesn’t feel right; it’s too fast, you want to get to know her better and determine what kind of person she is.
A puppet that rushes things loses a child’s trust quickly. A puppet that attunes, invests in the relationship from the start, talks about everyday things, plays games, and chooses appropriate openings has a much greater chance of gaining the child’s full trust.
It’s quite logical, yet something we often overlook when starting with a hand puppet.
So always consider the relationship between the child and the puppet when using a puppet to gather more information from a child. Observe the child, pay attention to their body language towards the puppet when it asks questions, take small steps, ensure that the child primarily enjoys being with the puppet, be creative in what you let the puppet do, think outside the box, and always let the puppet be on the child’s side and non-judgmental.
If you want to know more about my approach or want to discuss your situation, send me a message—I’m happy to help.
Helen
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